Dave's Favorite Jokes

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I'll be adding to as time permits. Listed in no particular order.

Kid Safe

Primordial Poker

<Order> Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
<Chaos> I am here, but my opposite is you.
<Order> Huh?
<Evil>  Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
<Truth> My opposite is not here.
<Good>  Is your opposite "Lies"?
<Truth> My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it.
<Evil>  (snicker) Figures!
<Order> Arrgh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
<Evil>  Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
<Good>  I have the cards.
<Evil>  I've got the chips.
<Truth> I have the beer.
<Chaos> I have the cards!
<Order> Shut up.
    ...
<Order> Whose deal is it?
<Evil>  Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
<Truth> It is Good's deal.
<Good>  OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
<Evil>  How can anyone win if everything is wild?
<Good>  No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
<Order> I like this game.
<Evil>  This is pointless.
<Truth> It is time to deal.
<Good>  Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
<Truth> Five.
<Order> Five and raise you five.
<Evil>  Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet!
<Order> I like ten better.
<Evil>  (sigh) Call.
<Chaos> I fold.
<Evil>  YOU CAN'T LOSE!
<Chaos> I still fold.
<Good>  Okay, I'll call. How many, Truth?
<Evil>  What's the point in taking more cards?
<Truth> I will keep the cards I have.
<Order> I will take two.
<Evil>  Why?!?
<Order> I didn't like those.
<Evil>  None for me.
<Chaos> I'll take six.
<Good>  Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?
<Evil>  Oh, just get this over with.
<Order> But now we have to bet!
<Evil>  Any money you put in, you're just gonna get back!
<Truth> I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards. I have five aces.
<Order> I have five ace of spades.
<Chaos> I have a three.
<Good>  Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.
<Evil>  Hold it, bub. Six aces, read'em and weep.
<Good>  Where did you get that card?
<Truth> He stole it from Chaos.
<Evil>  You know the rules, boys. The pot's mine.
<Good>  That was a stupid game.
<Order> Whose deal is it?
<Truth> The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.
<Chaos> Whee!
<all but Chaos> (groan)
<Chaos> Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and kings
        wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines, and queens
        don't count unless there is a prime numbered spade showing...
<Order> I fold...

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer...

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are about to be executed by guillotine.

The executioner takes the doctor first, and ask him whether he would prefer to be put into the guillotine facing up, or down. The doctor decides that he's always faced life's challenges head on, so he chooses to be executed facing up. So they put him in, and release the blade. Surprisingly the blade stops dead half way down and the doctor is spared.

Well this had never happened before, so the executioner decides that it is an omen, and lets the doctor go free.

The executioner takes the lawyer next. The lawyer figuring that he too might be spared, chooses to go in facing upwards. Well once again, the blade stops half way down, and the executioner decides to let the lawyer go free.

Well the engineer decides to go with the flow, and he too chooses to be executed face up. So executioner puts him in the guillotine and prepare to release the blade. But before he does, the engineer yells: "Wait! I think I see the problem!"

PG-13

Mature Audiences Only

Little Johnny

Life Savers

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, guys, they're assholes!"

Do Unto Others

Little Johnny and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.

"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without honey for a week."

Later Little Johnny saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it. "That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey and butter.) Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it.

Little Johnny looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or should I?"

I Don't Know How These Got Here