Dave's Favorite Jokes
I'll be adding to as time permits. Listed in no particular order.
Kid Safe
Primordial Poker
<Order> Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
<Chaos> I am here, but my opposite is you.
<Order> Huh?
<Evil> Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
<Truth> My opposite is not here.
<Good> Is your opposite "Lies"?
<Truth> My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it.
<Evil> (snicker) Figures!
<Order> Arrgh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
<Evil> Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
<Good> I have the cards.
<Evil> I've got the chips.
<Truth> I have the beer.
<Chaos> I have the cards!
<Order> Shut up.
...
<Order> Whose deal is it?
<Evil> Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
<Truth> It is Good's deal.
<Good> OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
<Evil> How can anyone win if everything is wild?
<Good> No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
<Order> I like this game.
<Evil> This is pointless.
<Truth> It is time to deal.
<Good> Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
<Truth> Five.
<Order> Five and raise you five.
<Evil> Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet!
<Order> I like ten better.
<Evil> (sigh) Call.
<Chaos> I fold.
<Evil> YOU CAN'T LOSE!
<Chaos> I still fold.
<Good> Okay, I'll call. How many, Truth?
<Evil> What's the point in taking more cards?
<Truth> I will keep the cards I have.
<Order> I will take two.
<Evil> Why?!?
<Order> I didn't like those.
<Evil> None for me.
<Chaos> I'll take six.
<Good> Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?
<Evil> Oh, just get this over with.
<Order> But now we have to bet!
<Evil> Any money you put in, you're just gonna get back!
<Truth> I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards. I have five aces.
<Order> I have five ace of spades.
<Chaos> I have a three.
<Good> Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.
<Evil> Hold it, bub. Six aces, read'em and weep.
<Good> Where did you get that card?
<Truth> He stole it from Chaos.
<Evil> You know the rules, boys. The pot's mine.
<Good> That was a stupid game.
<Order> Whose deal is it?
<Truth> The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.
<Chaos> Whee!
<all but Chaos> (groan)
<Chaos> Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and kings
wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines, and queens
don't count unless there is a prime numbered spade showing...
<Order> I fold...
A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer...
A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are about to be executed by guillotine.
The executioner takes the doctor first, and ask him whether he would prefer to be put into the guillotine facing up, or down. The doctor decides that he's always faced life's challenges head on, so he chooses to be executed facing up. So they put him in, and release the blade. Surprisingly the blade stops dead half way down and the doctor is spared.
Well this had never happened before, so the executioner decides that it is an omen, and lets the doctor go free.
The executioner takes the lawyer next. The lawyer figuring that he too might be spared, chooses to go in facing upwards. Well once again, the blade stops half way down, and the executioner decides to let the lawyer go free.
Well the engineer decides to go with the flow, and he too chooses to be executed face up. So executioner puts him in the guillotine and prepare to release the blade. But before he does, the engineer yells: "Wait! I think I see the problem!"
Jesus is watching you
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you."
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
DUI Sting
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally the fellow started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
The Heckler
A starving artist gets a job as an entertainer on a cruise ship, where going to perform as a magician. The ship only goes out on three day cruises, so the guy has to learn only a single three-day act since he gets a new audience every trip out.
It turns out that the ship's captain has a pet parrot that he keeps in the ship's showroom. After a few cruises the parrot is really starting to get on the guy's nerves.
"Squawk! It's under the table. Squawk! It's in his pocket. Squawk! It's up his sleeve."
The magician has had about all he can stand of the bird ruining his act when the ship hits an iceberg and sinks to the bottom of the ocean. Daylight comes only to find the magician floating in the middle of nowhere holding tightly to a piece of wood debris to keep him afloat.
A little while later the parrot lands on a piece of floating wood a couple of feet away. The guy can't think of anything except for taking this bird and tearing it to shreds, but he doesn't dare let go of the debris lest he drown.
For hours and hours they sit and stare angrily at each other. Finally, as the sun starts to set, the parrot speaks up:
"Squawk! Okay, I give up. Where'd you hide the ship?"
Failing memory
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest phychologicaltechniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
Customer Support Line
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.",
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"...... Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"...... Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"...... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
PG-13
Golf Foursome
A foursome of golfers met every week when one of the men complained that he had a pain in his crotch area. One of the members was a doctor, so he offered to run some tests.
A week later the man went into the doctors office for the results, and the doctor said "I have good news and bad news".
The man said "what is the bad news?"
"The bad news is that you have a rare disease and we are going to need to amputate your genitals."
The man said, "what could possibly be the good news!?"
"Well after talking it over with the other guys, we've decided we'll let you hit from the womans tee's."
Skin Graft
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before. All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty. She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you."
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses your cheek!"
The Alibi
A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed, so he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun he realizes its 3am and says, "Damn! It's so late, my wife is going to kill me! Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands. Then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been!?!" she demands.
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? And what is that on your hands?" She moves closer, sees his hands are covered with powder.... and screams, "You son of a bitch, you're lying! You went bowling again!!!"
Two Tigers
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking along a narrow trail through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with its tongue, and licks the ass of the tiger in front.
The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Knock that off!!!!!" The rear tiger says "sorry" and they continue along their way.
After about 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out and licks the ass of the tiger in front of him. The front tiger turns around and smacks the rear tiger. "I said knock that shit off!" The rear tiger again apologizes, and they continue.
After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again licks the front tiger's ass. The front tiger turns around and asks "What the hell is with you today?" The rear tiger replies "Well, I just ate a lawyer, and I am trying to get that awful taste out of my mouth!
Mature Audiences Only
Little Johnny
Life Savers
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, guys, they're assholes!"
Do Unto Others
Little Johnny and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.
"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without honey for a week."
Later Little Johnny saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it. "That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."
The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey and butter.) Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it.
Little Johnny looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or should I?"
Thinking Outside the Box
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"
"None.", replied Johnny, "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."
New Immigrants
Two immigrants arrived in America. On their first day off the boat in New York City, they spied a hot dog vendor in the street. "Do they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other.
"I dunno."
"Well, we're going to live here, so we might as well learn to do as they do." So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up in wax paper and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench. One immigrant looked inside his wax paper, then over at the other and asked, "What part did you get?"
Welcome to Hell
This man dies and is greeted by the devil at the gates to hell.
Dead Man: What am I doing in hell? I lived a good life. I don't deserve to be here. I should be in heaven!
Devil: Now, now, relax. Give it a chance, you may find that you like hell.
Dead Man: Like it? How so? What do you do in hell?
Devil: Well first you've got your Mondays in hell. Do you like eating?
Dead Man: Sure do.
Devil: Well, you're gonna like Mondays - all the best food from around the world, all you can eat! And if you eat all the stuff that's bad for you - DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD!
Dead Man: Sounds good.
Devil: And then you've got your Tuesdays. Do you drink?
Dead Man: Yeah, I like some good wine now and then.
Devil: Well, you're gonna like Tuesdays - the best of wine and spirits all day long. And if you drink too much - DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD!
Dead Man: I can handle that!
Devil: And then you've got your Wednesdays. Do you like gambling?
Dead Man: Yeah, I play the horses now and then, and I like lotteries.
Devil: Well, you're gonna love Wednesdays - a giant casino, all the games you can imagine. And if you run up a big debt - WHO CARES, YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD!
Dead Man: Tell me more.
Devil: OK, then you've got your Thursdays. Do you do drugs?
Dead Man: Well, I had a few tokes back in college...
Devil: Well, you're gonna like Thursdays - any drug, you name it, unlimited quantity and nothing but the best in quality. And if you overdose - DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD!
Dead Man: Sounds like fun, what else is there to do?
Devil: Well, then you've got your Fridays. Are you gay?
Dead Man: No.
Devil: Uh, oh. I don't think you're gonna like Fridays!
The New Bull
Three bulls were grumbling about the expected arrival of a fourth one. The first bull raged that he had been on the farm for 20 years and had 20 cows and wasn't going to give up a single cow to the newcomer. The second bull, with 10 cows, insisted he wasn't giving up any of his, and the third bull, with five cows, wasn't about to budge, either.
The next day, a truck pulled up and the farmer led out the biggest blackest, meanest bull the others had ever seen. "Well," said the first bull, "I guess 20 cows are a bit of a strain. He can have some of mine."
"Ten are too much for me, too," said the second. The third bull, however, stood kicking up dirt and snorting. The two others looked at him as if he had gone stark staring mad. "Look, five cows aren't worth getting beaten up for," said one of the others.
"To hell with the bloody cows," the third snorted. "I just want to make sure he knows I'm a bull!"
I Don't Know How This Stuff Got Here - Continue At Your Own Risk
Women`s Lib
In the early days of the Womens' Lib movement, two men were discussing some of the problems they were having with their wives. One said that his wife had burned her bra and vowed not to wear another one. His friend asked if it had made any change in her.
"Oh, yes," he said, "When she took off her bra, all the wrinkles left her face."
