Dave's Favorite Jokes

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I'll be adding to as time permits. Listed in no particular order.

Kid Safe

Primordial Poker

<Order> Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
<Chaos> I am here, but my opposite is you.
<Order> Huh?
<Evil>  Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
<Truth> My opposite is not here.
<Good>  Is your opposite "Lies"?
<Truth> My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it.
<Evil>  (snicker) Figures!
<Order> Arrgh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
<Evil>  Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
<Good>  I have the cards.
<Evil>  I've got the chips.
<Truth> I have the beer.
<Chaos> I have the cards!
<Order> Shut up.
    ...
<Order> Whose deal is it?
<Evil>  Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
<Truth> It is Good's deal.
<Good>  OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
<Evil>  How can anyone win if everything is wild?
<Good>  No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
<Order> I like this game.
<Evil>  This is pointless.
<Truth> It is time to deal.
<Good>  Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
<Truth> Five.
<Order> Five and raise you five.
<Evil>  Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet!
<Order> I like ten better.
<Evil>  (sigh) Call.
<Chaos> I fold.
<Evil>  YOU CAN'T LOSE!
<Chaos> I still fold.
<Good>  Okay, I'll call. How many, Truth?
<Evil>  What's the point in taking more cards?
<Truth> I will keep the cards I have.
<Order> I will take two.
<Evil>  Why?!?
<Order> I didn't like those.
<Evil>  None for me.
<Chaos> I'll take six.
<Good>  Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?
<Evil>  Oh, just get this over with.
<Order> But now we have to bet!
<Evil>  Any money you put in, you're just gonna get back!
<Truth> I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards. I have five aces.
<Order> I have five ace of spades.
<Chaos> I have a three.
<Good>  Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.
<Evil>  Hold it, bub. Six aces, read'em and weep.
<Good>  Where did you get that card?
<Truth> He stole it from Chaos.
<Evil>  You know the rules, boys. The pot's mine.
<Good>  That was a stupid game.
<Order> Whose deal is it?
<Truth> The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.
<Chaos> Whee!
<all but Chaos> (groan)
<Chaos> Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and kings
        wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines, and queens
        don't count unless there is a prime numbered spade showing...
<Order> I fold...

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer...

A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are about to be executed by guillotine.

The executioner takes the doctor first, and ask him whether he would prefer to be put into the guillotine facing up, or down. The doctor decides that he's always faced life's challenges head on, so he chooses to be executed facing up. So they put him in, and release the blade. Surprisingly the blade stops dead half way down and the doctor is spared.

Well this had never happened before, so the executioner decides that it is an omen, and lets the doctor go free.

The executioner takes the lawyer next. The lawyer figuring that he too might be spared, chooses to go in facing upwards. Well once again, the blade stops half way down, and the executioner decides to let the lawyer go free.

Well the engineer decides to go with the flow, and he too chooses to be executed face up. So executioner puts him in the guillotine and prepare to release the blade. But before he does, the engineer yells: "Wait! I think I see the problem!"

Jesus is watching you

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you."

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

DUI Sting

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally the fellow started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

The Heckler

A starving artist gets a job as an entertainer on a cruise ship, where going to perform as a magician. The ship only goes out on three day cruises, so the guy has to learn only a single three-day act since he gets a new audience every trip out.

It turns out that the ship's captain has a pet parrot that he keeps in the ship's showroom. After a few cruises the parrot is really starting to get on the guy's nerves.

"Squawk! It's under the table. Squawk! It's in his pocket. Squawk! It's up his sleeve."

The magician has had about all he can stand of the bird ruining his act when the ship hits an iceberg and sinks to the bottom of the ocean. Daylight comes only to find the magician floating in the middle of nowhere holding tightly to a piece of wood debris to keep him afloat.

A little while later the parrot lands on a piece of floating wood a couple of feet away. The guy can't think of anything except for taking this bird and tearing it to shreds, but he doesn't dare let go of the debris lest he drown.

For hours and hours they sit and stare angrily at each other. Finally, as the sun starts to set, the parrot speaks up:

"Squawk! Okay, I give up. Where'd you hide the ship?"

PG-13

Golf Foursome

A foursome of golfers met every week when one of the men complained that he had a pain in his crotch area. One of the members was a doctor, so he offered to run some tests.

A week later the man went into the doctors office for the results, and the doctor said "I have good news and bad news".

The man said "what is the bad news?"

"The bad news is that you have a rare disease and we are going to need to amputate your genitals."

The man said, "what could possibly be the good news!?"

"Well after talking it over with the other guys, we've decided we'll let you hit from the womans tee's."

Mature Audiences Only

Little Johnny

Life Savers

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, guys, they're assholes!"

Do Unto Others

Little Johnny and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.

"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without honey for a week."

Later Little Johnny saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it. "That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey and butter.) Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it.

Little Johnny looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or should I?"

New Immigrants

Two immigrants arrived in America. On their first day off the boat in New York City, they spied a hot dog vendor in the street. "Do they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other.

"I dunno."

"Well, we're going to live here, so we might as well learn to do as they do." So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up in wax paper and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench. One immigrant looked inside his wax paper, then over at the other and asked, "What part did you get?"

I Don't Know How This Stuff Got Here - Continue At Your Own Risk