Dave's Favorite Jokes

I'll be adding to as time permits. Listed in no particular order.

Kid Safe

Primordial Poker

<Order> Is each here? Does each have his opposite? <Chaos> I am here, but my opposite is you. <Order> Huh? <Evil> Don't let him bug ya'. We're here. <Truth> My opposite is not here. <Good> Is your opposite "Lies"? <Truth> My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it. <Evil> (snicker) Figures! <Order> Arrgh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six! <Evil> Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh! <Good> I have the cards. <Evil> I've got the chips. <Truth> I have the beer. <Chaos> I have the cards! <Order> Shut up.

   ...

<Order> Whose deal is it? <Evil> Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time? <Truth> It is Good's deal. <Good> OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild. <Evil> How can anyone win if everything is wild? <Good> No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if... <Order> I like this game. <Evil> This is pointless. <Truth> It is time to deal. <Good> Here we go! Your bet, Truth. <Truth> Five. <Order> Five and raise you five. <Evil> Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet! <Order> I like ten better. <Evil> (sigh) Call. <Chaos> I fold. <Evil> YOU CAN'T LOSE! <Chaos> I still fold. <Good> Okay, I'll call. How many, Truth? <Evil> What's the point in taking more cards? <Truth> I will keep the cards I have. <Order> I will take two. <Evil> Why?!? <Order> I didn't like those. <Evil> None for me. <Chaos> I'll take six. <Good> Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets? <Evil> Oh, just get this over with. <Order> But now we have to bet! <Evil> Any money you put in, you're just gonna get back! <Truth> I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards. I have five aces. <Order> I have five ace of spades. <Chaos> I have a three. <Good> Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win. <Evil> Hold it, bub. Six aces, read'em and weep. <Good> Where did you get that card? <Truth> He stole it from Chaos. <Evil> You know the rules, boys. The pot's mine. <Good> That was a stupid game. <Order> Whose deal is it? <Truth> The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals. <Chaos> Whee! <all but Chaos> (groan) <Chaos> Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and kings

       wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines, and queens
       don't count unless there is a prime numbered spade showing...

<Order> I fold...

Mature Audiences Only

Little Johnny

Life Savers

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, guys, they're assholes!"