Dave's Favorite Jokes
I'll be adding to as time permits. Listed in no particular order.
- 1 Kid Safe
- 1.1 Primordial Poker
- 1.2 A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer...
- 1.3 Jesus is watching you
- 1.4 DUI Sting
- 1.5 The Heckler
- 1.6 Failing memory
- 1.7 Customer Support Line
- 1.8 New Procedures for Drive-up ATM Machines
- 1.9 Mission: Buy Pants
- 1.10 Lessons Learned from Hurricane Ike
- 1.11 Bathtub Test
- 1.12 Proper Pay
- 2 PG-13
- 2.1 Skin Graft
- 2.2 The Alibi
- 2.3 Magic Wall
- 2.4 Two Tigers
- 2.5 Devil's Fence
- 2.6 Oh, Canada!
- 2.7 The Pit Bull
- 2.8 Three Men at the Pearly Gates
- 2.9 The Real 12 Days of Christmas
- 2.10 Phrases you wish you could say at work
- 2.11 The Leg
- 2.12 Caught Speeding
- 2.13 Proof that Men have Better Friends
- 2.14 Why to Not Wear Logo'd Shirts on Picture Day
- 2.15 Bank Robbery
- 3 Mature Audiences Only
- 3.1 Little Johnny - Life Savers
- 3.2 Little Johnny - Do Unto Others
- 3.3 Little Johnny - Thinking Outside the Box
- 3.4 Little Johnny - Punishment
- 3.5 New Immigrants
- 3.6 Welcome to Hell
- 3.7 The New Bull
- 3.8 New Career
- 3.9 The Mailman
- 3.10 Gone Fishing
- 3.11 The Marine
- 3.12 The Poker Player
- 3.13 Nine Months Later
- 4 I Don't Know How This Stuff Got Here - Continue At Your Own Risk
- 5 Only a Golfer Would Understand
<Order> Is each here? Does each have his opposite? <Chaos> I am here, but my opposite is you. <Order> Huh? <Evil> Don't let him bug ya'. We're here. <Truth> My opposite is not here. <Good> Is your opposite "Lies"? <Truth> My opposite is "Void". He couldn't make it. <Evil> (snicker) Figures! <Order> Arrgh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six! <Evil> Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh! <Good> I have the cards. <Evil> I've got the chips. <Truth> I have the beer. <Chaos> I have the cards! <Order> Shut up. ... <Order> Whose deal is it? <Evil> Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time? <Truth> It is Good's deal. <Good> OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild. <Evil> How can anyone win if everything is wild? <Good> No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if... <Order> I like this game. <Evil> This is pointless. <Truth> It is time to deal. <Good> Here we go! Your bet, Truth. <Truth> Five. <Order> Five and raise you five. <Evil> Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet! <Order> I like ten better. <Evil> (sigh) Call. <Chaos> I fold. <Evil> YOU CAN'T LOSE! <Chaos> I still fold. <Good> Okay, I'll call. How many, Truth? <Evil> What's the point in taking more cards? <Truth> I will keep the cards I have. <Order> I will take two. <Evil> Why?!? <Order> I didn't like those. <Evil> None for me. <Chaos> I'll take six. <Good> Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets? <Evil> Oh, just get this over with. <Order> But now we have to bet! <Evil> Any money you put in, you're just gonna get back! <Truth> I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards. I have five aces. <Order> I have five ace of spades. <Chaos> I have a three. <Good> Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win. <Evil> Hold it, bub. Six aces, read'em and weep. <Good> Where did you get that card? <Truth> He stole it from Chaos. <Evil> You know the rules, boys. The pot's mine. <Good> That was a stupid game. <Order> Whose deal is it? <Truth> The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals. <Chaos> Whee! <all but Chaos> (groan) <Chaos> Eleven card stud-hold'em with threes, eights, jacks, and kings wild...fives count as fours, fours count as nines, and queens don't count unless there is a prime numbered spade showing... <Order> I fold...
A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer...
A doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer are about to be executed by guillotine.
The executioner takes the doctor first, and ask him whether he would prefer to be put into the guillotine facing up, or down. The doctor decides that he's always faced life's challenges head on, so he chooses to be executed facing up. So they put him in, and release the blade. Surprisingly the blade stops dead half way down and the doctor is spared.
Well this had never happened before, so the executioner decides that it is an omen, and lets the doctor go free.
The executioner takes the lawyer next. The lawyer figuring that he too might be spared, chooses to go in facing upwards. Well once again, the blade stops half way down, and the executioner decides to let the lawyer go free.
Well the engineer decides to go with the flow, and he too chooses to be executed face up. So executioner puts him in the guillotine and prepare to release the blade. But before he does, the engineer yells: "Wait! I think I see the problem!"
Jesus is watching you
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you."
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally the fellow started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
A starving artist gets a job as an entertainer on a cruise ship, where going to perform as a magician. The ship only goes out on three day cruises, so the guy has to learn only a single three-day act since he gets a new audience every trip out.
It turns out that the ship's captain has a pet parrot that he keeps in the ship's showroom. After a few cruises the parrot is really starting to get on the guy's nerves.
"Squawk! It's under the table. Squawk! It's in his pocket. Squawk! It's up his sleeve."
The magician has had about all he can stand of the bird ruining his act when the ship hits an iceberg and sinks to the bottom of the ocean. Daylight comes only to find the magician floating in the middle of nowhere holding tightly to a piece of wood debris to keep him afloat.
A little while later the parrot lands on a piece of floating wood a couple of feet away. The guy can't think of anything except for taking this bird and tearing it to shreds, but he doesn't dare let go of the debris lest he drown.
For hours and hours they sit and stare angrily at each other. Finally, as the sun starts to set, the parrot speaks up:
"Squawk! Okay, I give up. Where'd you hide the ship?"
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest phychologicaltechniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
Customer Support Line
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.",
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"...... Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"...... Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"...... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
New Procedures for Drive-up ATM Machines
- Drive up to the cash machine.
- Put down your car window.
- Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
- Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
- Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
- Put window up.
- Drive off.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Drive up to cash machine.
- Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
- Set parking brake, put the window down.
- Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
- Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
- Attempt to insert card into machine.
- Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
- Insert card.
- Re-insert card the correct way.
- Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
- Enter PIN.
- Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
- Enter amount of cash required.
- Check makeup in rear view mirror.
- Retrieve cash and receipt .
- Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
- Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
- Re-check makeup.
- Drive forward 2 feet.
- Reverse back to cash machine.
- Retrieve card.
- Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
- Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
- Restart stalled engine and pull off.
- Redial person on cell phone.
- Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
- Release Parking Brake.
Mission: Buy Pants
Lessons Learned from Hurricane Ike
- Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ grill.
- No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don't work without electricity.
- My car gets 23.21675 miles per gallon, EXACTLY (you can ask the people in line who helped me push it).
- Kids can survive 4 days or longer without a video game controller in their hand.
- The Astros can't beat the Cubs in Milwaukee especially when they don't get any sleep (thank you Bud Selig!)
- He who has the biggest generator wins.
- Walking around your home in the dark should be a new Olympic sport.
- A new method of non-lethal torture- showers without hot water.
- There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people thought.
- TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful.
- A 7 lb bag of ice will chill 6-12 oz Budweiser's to a drinkable temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14 lb. turkey frozen for 8 more hours.
- There are a lot of dang trees around here.
- Flood plain drawings on some mortgage documents were seriously wrong.
- Aluminum siding, while aesthetically pleasing, is definitely not required.
- Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14 generators.
- People will get into a line that has already formed without having any idea what the line is for.
- When required, a Lincoln Continental will float, doesn't steer well but floats just the same.
- Tele-marketers function no matter what the weather is doing.
- Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the battery remains charged.
- 27 of your neighbors are fed from a different transformer than you, and they are quick to point that out!
- Hampers were not made to contain such a volume.
- If my store sold only ice, chainsaws, gas and generators... I'd be rich.
- Price of a can of soup rises 200 percent in a storm.
- Your water front property can quickly become someone else's fishing hole.
- Tree service companies are under appreciated.
- I learned what happens when you make fun of anothes' blackout.
- MATH 101: 30 days in a month, minus 6 days without power equals 30 percent higher electric bill ??
- Drywall is a compound word, take away the "dry" part and it's worthless.
- I can walk a lot farther than I thought.
- You can bake a pizza in a wok. And it does not have to look like a bowl when you finish.
- You can use that same wok to make popcorn, soup, fried chicken, corn dogs, …..
- Your electric coffee maker does not require electricity to make coffee, just the filter holder, the carafe, and you with a boiling pan of water.
- When there is no electricity or refrigeration, you can gain up to 5 pounds a day even while sweating. At least for the first 5 days that the food is thawing.
- Dogs do not like to share space in the pantry with you no matter how much you love them.
- Mosquitoes cannot find you in 70+ mph winds.
- Running water is far more valuable than electricity after the first 24 hours.
- Flushing toilets are one of the great gifts of modern civilization.
- All lines of people are to be considered breadcrumbs and a yellow brick road to OZ.
- Hot air rises, but upstairs in a house is cooler than downstairs when you have no power.
- Trees all fall bushy side down
- Some laws cannot be disobeyed after a storm. Apparently putting out "We're Open" signs is a criminal violation to some police in local small (-minded) towns.
- A restaurant with a limited menu available is a finer dining establishment than the one you ate at the week before a bad storm. And the staff are really friendly.
- The grace period for road courtesy is 5 days. After that you will not get a wave but you will get a gesture.
- Insurance deductibles are life's way of not paying. Depreciation is its partner.
- Insurance gets its name because it is insured against paying.
- Depreciation can be applied against you and your possessions, but not to the policy you pay on without receiving benefits.
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
The Texas Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small Rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him...
Government agent: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."
Rancher: "Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board... Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also occasionally sleeps with my wife."
Government agent: "That's the guy I want to talk to . . . the mentally challenged one."
Rancher: "That would be me."
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before. All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty. She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you."
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses your cheek!"
A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed, so he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun he realizes its 3am and says, "Damn! It's so late, my wife is going to kill me! Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands. Then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been!?!" she demands.
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? And what is that on your hands?" She moves closer, sees his hands are covered with powder.... and screams, "You son of a bitch, you're lying! You went bowling again!!!"
A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at Lakeside Mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his Father "What is this Father?". The Father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!".
While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.
The Father said to his son "Go get your Mother".
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking along a narrow trail through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with its tongue, and licks the ass of the tiger in front.
The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Knock that off!!!!!" The rear tiger says "sorry" and they continue along their way.
After about 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out and licks the ass of the tiger in front of him. The front tiger turns around and smacks the rear tiger. "I said knock that shit off!" The rear tiger again apologizes, and they continue.
After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again licks the front tiger's ass. The front tiger turns around and asks "What the hell is with you today?" The rear tiger replies "Well, I just ate a lawyer, and I am trying to get that awful taste out of my mouth!
It turns out that Heaven isn't above Hell, but rather, Heaven and Hell share the same plane and are separated only by a long wooden fence.
One day, the Devil decides to throw this huge bash. Lots of bands perform with some of the biggest names, and the Damned start having a heck of a party. Toward the end of festivities, a big fireball fight breaks out and, sure enough, one lands on the fence and burns it down.
God complains to the Devil and insists that the Devil rebuild the fence. The Devil says, "Sure, no problem. I've got all the union leaders over here as well as most of the building contractors."
So, the fence is rebuilt but it's three feet to one side so that Hell has taken over three feet of Heaven. God is upset. "If you don't move that fence back," says God, "I'm gonna sue you."
"Yeah, right," says the Devil. "Where are you gonna get a lawyer?"
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in the produce department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No shit??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
The Pit Bull
A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee and newspaper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file.
The guy couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."
Three Men at the Pearly Gates
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths.
So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
The Real 12 Days of Christmas
Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 14, 1994 Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 15, 1994 Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 16, 1994 Dearest John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 17, 1994 Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 18, 1994 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Anges -------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 19, 1994 Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 20, 1994 John: What's with you and those fucking birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of God damned joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds. Sincerely, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 21, 1994 O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their God damned cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass. Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 22, 1994 Hey! Shithead, What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 23, 1994 You Rotten Prick, Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you. One who means it. -------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 24, 1994 Listen! Fuckhead, What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes -------------------------------------------------------------- Law Offices Badger, Bender and Cahole 303 Knave Street Chicago, Illinois December 25, 1994 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for you arrest. Cordially, Badger, Bender and Cahole
Phrases you wish you could say at work
- Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
- I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
- How about never? Is never good for you?
- I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
- I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
- I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
- I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
- I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
- It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
- I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
- You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
- I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
- I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
- Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
- What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
- I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
- Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
- No, my powers can only be used for good.
- You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
- Who me? I just wander from room to room.
A man who had been in a terrible auto accident is rushed to the hospital. After a thorough examination and extensive consult, the emergency room physician comes over to the patient's bed. "I'm sorry to tell you that your leg is badly crushed" said the doctor. "If we don't amputate right away, there is a good change you'll get gangrene and die".
"Well, if those are my only two options, I'll have to give up the leg" said the man, and he was whisked away to the operating room.
Several hours later, he regained consciousness in the recovery room. He immediately summoned a doctor and asked him the status of his medical condition. The doctor replied, "Well sir, I'm afraid that I have some good news for you and some bad news for you. What would you like to hear first"?
"Oh shit", said the man, "I don't like the sounds of this. You better give me the bad news first".
The doctor replied, "Due to the urgency of your condition, we accidentally cut off the wrong leg".
"Oh my God", screamed the man, "What is the good news"?
The doctor reassuringly told him, "We think we can save your other leg!"
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the freeway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 130 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 150, then 160.... then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse that I haven't heard before for your driving, you can go."
The guy thought for a second and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Proof that Men have Better Friends
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night after going out. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night after going out. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there....
Why to Not Wear Logo'd Shirts on Picture Day
A hooded robber burst into a Round Rock, Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.
Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a good look at you."
Mature Audiences Only
Little Johnny - Life Savers
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, guys, they're assholes!"
Little Johnny - Do Unto Others
Little Johnny and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.
"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without honey for a week."
Later Little Johnny saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it. "That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."
The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey and butter.) Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it.
Little Johnny looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or should I?"
Little Johnny - Thinking Outside the Box
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"
"None.", replied Johnny, "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny - Punishment
One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was *highly* upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home.
When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in 'your' son's closet."
He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.
Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"
Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
Two immigrants arrived in America. On their first day off the boat in New York City, they spied a hot dog vendor in the street. "Do they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other.
"Well, we're going to live here, so we might as well learn to do as they do."
So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up in wax paper and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench. One immigrant looked inside his wax paper, then over at the other and asked, "What part did you get?"
Welcome to Hell
This man dies and is greeted by the devil at the gates to hell.
Dead Man: What am I doing in hell? I lived a good life. I don't deserve to be here. I should be in heaven!
Devil: Now, now, relax. Give it a chance, you may find that you like hell.
Dead Man: Like it? How so? What do you do in hell?
Devil: Well first you've got your Mondays in hell. Do you like eating?
Dead Man: Sure do.
Devil: Well, you're gonna like Mondays - all the best food from around the world, all you can eat! And if you eat all the stuff that's bad for you - DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD!
Dead Man: Sounds good.
Devil: And then you've got your Tuesdays. Do you drink?
Dead Man: Yeah, I like some good wine now and then.
Devil: Well, you're gonna like Tuesdays - the best of wine and spirits all day long. And if you drink too much - DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD!
Dead Man: I can handle that!
Devil: And then you've got your Wednesdays. Do you like gambling?
Dead Man: Yeah, I play the horses now and then, and I like lotteries.
Devil: Well, you're gonna love Wednesdays - a giant casino, all the games you can imagine. And if you run up a big debt - WHO CARES, YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD!
Dead Man: Tell me more.
Devil: OK, then you've got your Thursdays. Do you do drugs?
Dead Man: Well, I had a few tokes back in college...
Devil: Well, you're gonna like Thursdays - any drug, you name it, unlimited quantity and nothing but the best in quality. And if you overdose - DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD!
Dead Man: Sounds like fun, what else is there to do?
Devil: Well, then you've got your Fridays. Are you gay?
Dead Man: No.
Devil: Uh, oh. I don't think you're gonna like Fridays!
The New Bull
Three bulls were grumbling about the expected arrival of a fourth one. The first bull raged that he had been on the farm for 20 years and had 20 cows and wasn't going to give up a single cow to the newcomer. The second bull, with 10 cows, insisted he wasn't giving up any of his, and the third bull, with five cows, wasn't about to budge, either.
The next day, a truck pulled up and the farmer led out the biggest blackest, meanest bull the others had ever seen. "Well," said the first bull, "I guess 20 cows are a bit of a strain. He can have some of mine."
"Ten are too much for me, too," said the second. The third bull, however, stood kicking up dirt and snorting. The two others looked at him as if he had gone stark staring mad. "Look, five cows aren't worth getting beaten up for," said one of the others.
"To hell with the bloody cows," the third snorted. "I just want to make sure he knows I'm a bull!"
A gynecologist had become fed up with incompetent family practitioners as gate-keepers, increasing paperwork, malpractice-insurance rates, etc.; he was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error which needs adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is! also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
Every Saturday morning Bill goes fishing. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes...all day long.
Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
She looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
The Poker Player
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m., and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat, Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.
Nine Months Later
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said, "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
I Don't Know How This Stuff Got Here - Continue At Your Own Risk
In the early days of the Womens' Lib movement, two men were discussing some of the problems they were having with their wives. One said that his wife had burned her bra and vowed not to wear another one. His friend asked if it had made any change in her.
"Oh, yes," he said, "When she took off her bra, all the wrinkles left her face."
A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The lad smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked,her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin-no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."
Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee.
One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised." the other one says.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My Mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!"
Only a Golfer Would Understand
A foursome of golfers met every week when one of the men complained that he had a pain in his crotch area. One of the members was a doctor, so he offered to run some tests.
A week later the man went into the doctors office for the results, and the doctor said "I have good news and bad news".
The man said "what is the bad news?"
"The bad news is that you have a rare disease and we are going to need to amputate your genitals."
The man said, "what could possibly be the good news!?"
"Well after talking it over with the other guys, we've decided we'll let you hit from the womans tee's."
The 5 Iron
Police are called to an apartment and find a man holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless woman.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes" says the man.
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The man begins to sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his face.
"How many times did you hit her?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."
A husband and wife decide to enjoy some nice weather together by playing a round of golf. On the first tee box, the husband limbers up, then tees up his ball and takes a big swing at it with his driver.
Unfortunately, he didn't realize that his wife had already stepped up onto the ladies tee box. His tee shot hit her square in the head, and she went down like a ton of bricks.
Later, at the hospital, the emergency room surgeon comes out to the waiting room and takes a seat by the frantic husband.
"I'm sorry, Sir," he says, "We did everything everything we could, but the golf ball was deeply embedded in your wife's head, causing a fatal brain hemorrhage. I'm sure that she died almost instantly, and suffered little pain." he added.
"Thank the Lord for that," replied the man. "I just can't believe that she's gone" he said sadly.
"There is one other thing," said the doctor. "In this state, an autopsy is required in cases of accidental death. While performing the autopsy, we found this other golf ball embedded in you wife's, uh, posterior." The doctor hands the man the ball.
"Titleist 3," observes the man. "That was my 1st hole mulligan."
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the first hole of a busy golf course. A golfer began his pre-shot routine, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker, "Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!"
He could feel every eye on the course looking at him, but he remained in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"
The golfer ignored the request and kept concentrating, ready to swing, when once more the Starter yelled over the loudspeaker, "Would the man on the women's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE?!"
The golfer finally stopped, looked back at the clubhouse, cupped his hands and shouted, "Would the idiot in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my SECOND SHOT!"